Not The Main Character
“Young person worry: What if nothing I do matters?
Old person worry: What if everything I do does?” (Offill, 21-22)
Jenny Offill is one of my favorite authors and her latest book Weather does not disappoint. The above quote is one of many poignant sentences in this provocative and engaging novel about a woman who is paid to respond to doomsday letters sent from listeners of a climate disaster podcast. But this is not a book review, so let’s get started on the idea of shapeshifting dreams and waking up to realize you’re not the main character.
If you’re anything like me you grew up thinking that you were the main character, that your life was going to be magnificent and meaningful. Dream big, because the world is yours baby! I always wanted to be the lead in the school play (and I often was), I wanted to be Posh spice who can only be considered a Spice Girl who gives main character energy (or MCE). I always felt like because I was unpopular in middle and high school that it was inevitable… the world would one day see what I was truly capable of once I finally made it past the suburban lawns and malls I grew up with.
As I get older and think more about what having kids would actually be like I notice my own desire to project the best version of myself onto this unborn idea. Naturally they are going to be the best kid that ever existed and they are going to change the world for the better. While this line of thinking is hardly unique to me, I am starting to see some flaws in it. It seems like a natural reaction for a parent to want their kid to be amazing and to really believe it is possible, to almost will it into existence. But if we’re looking at an objective reality there can only be so many main characters. A wise friend and reader of this newsletter once said “there can only be one star in the relationship”. So what about the rest of us? Those of us that are not elite athletes, actors, writers, business people etc? 10 years into being the main character of my own life post adolescence, I’m wondering just how much MCE is there really?
As I’ve written about at length before, many of the creative pursuits I dreamed of monetizing and achieving recognition for have not yet panned out as such. I always felt that in my 30s a clarity would emerge and I’d finally figure out the multi-hyphenate I am supposed to be. I’ve always been interested in women who seem to do a number of things well, maybe they write a blog while also designing a jewelry line and raising kids, while also renovating a home while also learning how to surf and then the dreaded content that comes with it. I enjoy consuming a limited amount of this content, but I’ve realized for the most part that I don’t really enjoy creating digital content. I prefer to live my life in the moment, rather than to pose and style everything I do so that it looks palatable for Instagram. Even my raw attempts at front-facing TikTok videos don’t bring me a lot of satisfaction, perhaps because the engagement is so limited and I don’t have the ruthless determination to self-promote on a consistent basis.
I was starting to feel like I was settling into this new role of restaurateur/partner in a rapidly growing business and I am really liking many parts of it. Such as designing a space with an architect, picking paint colors and lighting fixtures, working with talented designers to create a cohesive and clear menu, curating playlists, picking out a wine list, planning a menu, creating merch, creative directing photo shoots, and designing websites amongst other things.
In the meantime because it’s so difficult to build a solid team in these strange labor times I am working a lot of on the ground service, which is not my favorite thing to do given how impatient I am with people. I find those who demand to change the temperature of an entire restaurant or just can’t stand the site of ketchup on their plate of home fries even though it already comes on the side in a separate dish (no, it was not an allergy) or my favorite are the ones who offer “suggestions” on how I should seat a packed restaurant, which sometimes involves moving other guests so they can sit down right away. This is not intended to be a rant about difficult diners, but rather some of the parts of my current day to day which are filled with these types of issues. The intention is that my role will be less of this and more about building a brand and business as time goes on, but it’s helpful to know what happens on site and play a part in making things better and more efficient.
I was catching up with a friend, sharing all of this, and they expressed concern that I may be giving up on my dreams of being a writer/filmmaker. While I don’t doubt it was well intentioned it did sting a bit as it caused me to question if I am in fact giving up on those original dreams to do this other new thing that I haven’t been working toward for years. I don’t think I am giving up because I still show up to write this newsletter and I have almost completed my screenwriting workshop and have some kind of outline for a feature film. I genuinely don’t want to be a director anymore. I saw the commercial path and that doesn’t look fun to me, you’re essentially a lackey to the agency and the client, hardly ever getting to express your full creative vision and that is how most people start and then segue into other mediums. Maybe I will direct another short film one of these days but I don’t love that medium either. And music videos are generally a headache with a negative, non-existent $1k budget. While I still have desires to perform and create I’m not entirely sure of the next shape they’ll take and I think that is totally ok and doesn’t signify a kind of giving up. I am in exploration mode for the first time in a while and that feels liberating.
I have been gravitating toward the idea that I am a generalist, not a specialist. I’m kind of good at a lot of things and not incredibly good at any one thing. I always envisioned myself a specialist but truthfully I don’t believe that is my nature. I’ve always wanted my whole life to be my art— from where I live, to the food I eat, to the way I travel, to how I dress— and that tracks in line with me for being a generalist. Many people who are so focused on one thing tend to neglect the other areas of their lives. I’m also done with hustle culture. If it doesn’t feel good, if there isn’t any joy in it, if you don’t have a reason for doing it beyond money and fame then it probably isn’t worth doing, at least not for me. I welcome the time and medium of creation that comes with a sense of ease and joy and until then I’m going to continue working on these new endeavors with a sense of I get to do this. I get to build things for people to enjoy and connect with one another with the person I love most and I think that is pretty special.
P.S. Sorry it has been a while. I didn’t know I needed a break but I guess I did. There are lots of drafts that will hopefully make for more consistent posts but they need to be worked on. And I’m in a moment of major transition which requires some patience both from myself and hopefully from my lovely readers too. :)
Until next time,
Lula