My dear readers, I am sorry it’s been a while, this piece will in part explain why. As a way to repent for my absence, I’d like to offer a free gift subscription for each paying subscriber to pass on to someone who may enjoy these letters. Just reply to this email with the recipient’s name and email and I’ll do the rest!
I have not had many thoughts recently about life as a whole or anything beyond putting one foot in front of the other, as we make the final push to open our fifth location. I’ve been fiddling with ill fitting washers in an attempt to secure a made-in-China wood veneer chair and hope that it stays together when someone sits in it. I’ve been going back and forth with dozens of potential new hires about the qualities we are looking for in team members: punctual, reliable, strong communication skills, a positive attitude. I don’t feel like I’m subscribing to the cult of busy and filling my life with meaningless things so I can feel important and tell people I am busy and avoid my problems but I am actually really, truly at capacity. It’s important to me to express a sensitivity in writing about this topic because everyone is busy in a sense and I never want to sound like my time is more important or valuable than another person’s time and I don’t have kids which feels like a whole other category of busy. I have felt protective of my time and it feels not only valid but also essential to carve boundaries around my energy. I am at peace with the possible disappointment that may bring up for someone and even my own disappointment that comes from having to RSVP “no”. Opening a restaurant is hard work. Periodt.
The only non construction or hospitality or small business related thought that’s been floating around my brain is around friendship. Because December is the month of visitors in NYC I’ve had a lot of really special catch ups with old friends recently. I’ve found myself saying to various friends that I’m working on letting other people be who they are with all of their limitations and not writing them off because of it. A hard thing to do! A way that I try to play God is to get mad when people don’t behave how I would like them to behave. The best is when they aren’t even aware that I want them to act a certain way and I’m still mad. Acceptance, baby, acceptance.
Something I love about catching up with old friends is remembering who I was in different periods of life. While I feel serious and stressed and extremely adult right now some of these friends remind me that there have been times when things weren’t that way and there is a range to my human experience that includes silliness and levity. It is nice to be seen again in that way and also to remind myself that everything is not so serious. Another great thing about the once every few months catch up when life has been moving particularly fast, is that it’s a way to sort of audit how things have been going. As I share out loud how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been doing it allows for me to also process it and reflect in a way that feels less demanding than sitting in meditation.
All of this is related to being at capacity in the sense that the time I’ve carved out for friends is highly intentional and it’s brought me to reflect on friendships in my 20s which felt a lot more like spending time with people so as not to be alone versus spending time with someone because you really want to and they enrich your life. I sincerely cherish my rare moments of alone time and the last thing I want to do is fill it with another body just because. Or just because I don’t want to miss out. There will always be another party or event to attend.
I’ve also been thinking about how people behave around making a plan and how beautiful it is to have easygoing people in your life who don’t add to the stress of the inevitable logistics of life. If it becomes too effortful maybe it isn’t meant to be? Not that planning difficulties alone are cause for ending a friendship but I do believe if people really want to see each other they will find a way to make it happen. It’s also extremely appreciated (at least by me) when the person who has less going on at that moment caters to the person who is in an intense season of their life and says they’re happy to do what is easiest vs. making it about trying the new hot spot with impossible reservations that also happens to be located in a transit desert. I have learned from some of you what a meaningful gesture it is to be accommodating to someone who is just keeping their head above water. Thank you.
There are also the types of friends who are based on convenience. Our neighbors, for example. We’ve become friendly with them and it’s a relationship based around convenience. We don’t know them super well but we help each other out and hang out from time to time and its a nice low stakes, low effort friendship. When someone moves I’m not sure if it will continue but it doesn’t feel important to know that. These types of friendships are special in their own way. It’s nice to know there’s a friendly face upstairs who will walk my dog or sign for a package and it adds to the whole tableau of friendship. In a few hours I will go upstairs to learn about the plant watering protocols I’ve agreed to help out with during the holiday.
December is the month of visitors in NYC and I’ve had a lot of direct conversations with friends around needing to have one on one time with a mutual friend. And generally people get that. It feels good to be able to be direct and say “we’re spending time catching up over dinner but we can all meet up for a drink later”. It doesn’t mean that a person is not wanted at all but just that there is a different energy to a one on one meeting than a group outing. More deep listening. I think that’s why I’ve always preferred one on ones because the conversation is focused and meaningful. There is also space for infectious laughter and chaotic jumps from one topic to the next but at this stage, where it’s harder to carve out that one on one time, it feels ever more important to prioritize it.
Am I leaving this outing feeling connected, understood, lighter, with more energy than I came into it with?
If the answer is yes then it was successful and time well spent.
If the answer is no then it may not be a friendship to continue pursuing in earnest on autopilot with the idea that more is always better, but maybe it’s one that requires further thought into the kinds of time and space spent.
There is also a lesson here that I’m learning in terms of being extreme. Just because the person may not fit my idea around enrichment and ease doesn’t mean it’s all or nothing and I need to cut them out of my life. Perhaps it is just an adjustment to pay attention to what kinds of interactions with them are fulfilling and should be sought after.
My goal is to write one more of these before the year’s end, but in case I don’t meet that goal, I want to wish all of you a warm and cozy holiday and extend my deep gratitude for your being here and reading these little notes from time to time. There are so many cool people who subscribe and I think a lot of you would really get along well in the comments section so feel free to chime in more in 2023. Lots of you have lots in common! BIG LOVE.