Simple is the word.
Nothing profound this week. Just a spring blessing on this holy week.
After a week of moving around more than I have for the past two years (Three countries! Lots of trains! Too many planes!) I’m noticing the mental fray this movement brings upon me. It is welcome, it was fun but it’s remarkable how quickly I become ungrounded when I spend too much time up in the air.
My thoughts don’t even feel cohesive. I’m not sure if these sentences make sense. The things I have to do before me feel like a nebulous blob where I’m reaching in blind hoping to grab onto something. Unsure of the order and uncomfortable in the chaos. A nagging feeling that time is passing and there’s nothing I can do to manipulate the speed at which it goes.
It’s been almost a decade since I’ve experienced the change of seasons. I never thought myself to be a spring person but it turns out I am. It seemed basic to love spring, like of course everyone loves spring. In my mind spring lacked the depth of fall. Why does everything have to be so deep? Every thought must be new and profound? I think maybe it doesn’t need to be. (And yes there’s probably nothing more basic than a fall loving pumpkin spice latte girl).
The thawing out is very real and evident on the streets of New York. People placing themselves directly in front of the Vitamin D even if they still must be tethered to a laptop. I walked past a man playing ukulele while his companion read a book and sipped a beer at 3 in the afternoon on a Monday. People are ready for the kind of warmth that can be felt on bare skin.
As I walked speedily in an attempt to make my 10,000 steps and substitute the workouts I’m missing this week because of a nasty cold it dawned on me that perhaps I should slow down. That maybe I’ve been viewing life as too much of a to-do list for these past 30 years and maybe I’m better off spending time in the enjoyment of my sweet, little life. Not trying to make it into anything too big or grandiose.
It’s not the death of a dream but more of a softening into reality. Rather than plunging against it head first with the conviction that I am in control, can I let things be and unfold the way they are? I respect the hell out of people that have the drive and discipline to practice their vocation non-stop and become the best in their field. Truthfully, I’ve never felt like anything came naturally enough for me to commit with such fervor. Maybe that circumvents the idea of discipline and that’s missing the point which is to show up no matter what, even when you’re not good, but it definitely makes for a more enjoyable ride when you’re at least a little good at whatever you’re doing.
I’m beginning to think that the things I thought I wanted, the things I thought I was good at are not really the things that would be considered my gifts. Yes, I love writing, and I want to continue doing it this way and perhaps in other ways too, but do I have the wherewithal to be in a writer’s room or to write and produce an indie feature? I’m not sure. I think yes if I were given the opportunity, but I’m not sure I have the hustle in me anymore to do what it takes to get that foot in the door. It doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying, it just means I’ll take some of the pressure off from it having to happen yesterday.
While I am private and introverted and not great at staying in touch with people it turns out that when we look at the webs of friendship I am often the connective tissue. I say I don’t like people but people report a feeling of warmth when I hold space for them. As my next career adventure unfolds it seems there will be a lot of hospitality involved and I can’t say that’s what I was after but I’m leaning into all of the signs that suggest it may be a good fit for me right now.
Of course there is a feeling of anxiety about the what if’s… what if I had worked harder, networked more, committed more, slept less… then would I have the career I wanted to have? Maybe. But if it means sacrificing the other brilliant aspects of my life then I wouldn’t take it. Maybe what I want is happening on a timeline that I don’t yet understand but I can practice trusting it. I don’t know what really happens at Easter or Passover but I do know that I believe in something bigger than myself and that for me is holy. Amidst all of the atrocities and heartbreak that constitute modern life I have to trust in something unspeakably large and god sized otherwise it’s just too damn scary.
May you take the time to notice the fresh buds on trees and the emergent daffodils this week. Happy spring my darlings!