Remember that question? It was sort of a catch all for discussing any type of uncomfortable feelings when we were children, at least in my friend group it was. Likely born of a limited understanding around the many other emotions and feelings that can accompany “mad”. It was an attempt at understanding the reason behind someone’s behavior when it seemed unkind. For me the ability to utilize that question became a kind of coping mechanism to deal with pre-adolescent drama. Even if the person said no, I’m not mad, but continued to act strangely it felt like a sigh of relief. Acknowledging the mad in the room allowed me to exhale. I could only relax once I was certain nobody was mad at me. There has to be a link here to the hyper confessional tendencies that goes along with this neurotic attachment to the idea of someone being mad at you but we’ll save that for another day.
Yesterday a friend shared a video we’ll call “You’re Not in Trouble” of a therapist guy talking about how many of us carry the feeling of being in trouble or being disliked into adulthood and how it’s a relic of behavioral management tactics we learned as kids. The comments are filled with things like “I needed to hear this”, “I’m crying”, “I wake up every morning with a pit in my stomach and I don’t know why”. It got our group chat talking about how our minds are wired to look for threats and how we assume people are thinking the worst of us when usually they aren’t thinking of us at all or maybe they are even holding us in high regard! When I think about it in terms of evolution it makes a lot of sense to me. There is value in looking for danger but it also gets exhausting.
Many of us apparently feel like we’re in trouble or that people are chronically mad at us, including myself. A pit in your stomach, a feeling that there’s something bad about to happen, shoulders crunching up into your neck, a feeling of rot and defectiveness, a feeling that you’re on the outside when everyone else is in. It’s another way we keep ourselves small and contracted.
I have begun a practice when I notice nebulous anxiety that goes like this. I go through a list of things that could be running me around, most of which can usually be set down once they’re identified. There’s usually a thread around working through a challenging situation and making an assumption that the other person involved in the situation doesn’t like me and it’s personal. I’ve had nights where I spin tales about brief interactions I had with customers and I make up stories about how they don’t like me or how I must have rubbed them the wrong way. It’s interesting that this tendency is far reaching, not only reserved for intimate relationships but those with strangers too. I remind myself that nobody hates me, no one is mad at me and I am safe. It is helpful sometimes.
When we’re paying attention, life is full of cohesive messages for us. This morning I pulled the five of swords from my frequently mentioned and much beloved Spirit Speak Apparition Deck. The message accompanying the card reads:
What battle is won when you direct your discomforts toward the people closest to you. In order to gain peace of mind, you have cut everyone out. You are left alone, but does that leave you in tranquility? Try to distinguish the difference between the voices and criticism that you let live on in your mind and the reality of your personal relationships.
Whoa. I’ll need a moment to regain my composure. In order to gain peace of mind, you have cut everyone out. Do you know how many times my reaction to being hurt by someone has been one that goes like I’ll show them, I’m just gonna cut them out! It’s usually related to my making assumptions that someone is mad at me, there’s no hope for repair, and the only way is out. It sort of bypasses the whole messy part of communicating your feelings and needs. And there are truly some instances where the healthiest option is to cut someone out but more often than not a little vulnerability and a lot of showing up can guide a relationship back to its true course. I have had visions of myself on my own, showing everyone (Lol what does that even mean), that I don’t need them to survive and thrive, that I will be just fine on my own. I’ll still make it to the top, which again, where is the top?
I think that each person’s nervous system is wired differently, a resulting blend of nurture vs. nature with a healthy sprinkling of a hereditary component that can be subtle but is certainly present. My own mind and body are constantly looking for problems, dangers and threats before I allow myself to relax or feel safe. Hence the looming shadow of feeling like someone is mad at me and my subsequent reaction to ice them out. If we think people are mad at us we act differently. We assume we’re in trouble like a dog with its tail between its legs instead of showing up like we deserve to be here.
But what if you were really in trouble and someone was really mad at you and they just told you directly and you didn’t have to ask or react preemptively and beat them to the punch. That’s where I believe some of these tendencies come from. It’s a way of getting ahead of a negative feeling so it can’t catch you by surprise. If I walk around assuming people don’t like me, they are mad at me, and I let them down then I can’t be disappointed if I find out later that is true. Emotion is energy in motion. The anxiety created from thinking someone is mad at me doesn’t serve me. This line of thought provides a solid segue into what I want to talk about next week with depression. How sometimes it becomes like a familiar security blanket and it’s no small feat to disentangle yourself from the well worn pattern.
What if I can trust the people in my life to tell me when they’re upset with me? To bring issues that need tending too to my attention. And other than that I don’t worry about it. Try a little tenderness with myself. Stop assuming the worst.
Do you ever experience this feeling? How does it show up your you? Tell us in the comments.
Big love,
Lula
Ah, yes. I do this... and then a person resurfaces and they never mention a thing about being mad at me. They were just busy. For myself, I consider it self-centered fear. When I catch myself doing it, I cancel the thought.